We don’t watch much TV. Occasionally I’ll turn on PBS on a Saturday or Sunday evening for an hour to see if there is anything of interest. Last Saturday I found myself watching a documentary telling the sad story of a woman who had developed paranoid schizophrenia and then disappeared without trace. Months later her remains were found in an unoccupied farmhouse where she had been hiding out. It seemed she had simply faded away there in the midst of a harsh New Hampshire winter.
This story was made all the more poignant for me as I recalled being summoned many times in the middle of the night to the bleak ‘long stay’ units at Purdysburn Psychiatric hospital, to prescribe to a chronically disturbed patient who had become ‘unruly’ a hefty shot of Largactil…. a straight jacket in chemical form…..only to return to my bed of sanity crying out to Jesus on behalf of these ‘hopeless cases.’
I only watched the first 40 minutes or so when I had to leave. But I had seen what I needed to. Beside the decomposing body lay a book. it was a journal, giving a day to day account of how Linda had experienced those last months. It turned out to be her Final Note.
I talked in this series about two songs that came to the fore during our time in Ireland. There was a third. It too was a Final Note we were given to sound there.
I had most of the song before the trip, but one morning I went out to bathe at Marble Hill when the words of a fourth verse came in juxtaposition to this, the third verse.
In this valley of trouble,
I pick my way through the rubble
The grand edifice now humbled
From what it seemed.
But behind the illusion
And beyond the contusion
Arising from the confusion
What’s real is seen.
So why would we not sing…………
I took a plunge in the ocean
Cause I just had a notion
Becoming one with it’s motion
Floating around
Sky grey above me
Gentle rain falling on me
He’s breathing up-on me
I’ve been found!
So why would we not sing……….
I thought I may have had an opportunity to sing the song after the Gala dinner and the speeches by my peers who had risen to the top of the profession. But the time came and went…..
The next morning however my colleague Brian, who owned a cottage right on the beach said, “Why don’t you come over to our place and sing for us?” It turned out the song I had received was not for ‘The Year’ but a gift for Brian’s wife – Hilary! After singing it to them, she said, “Why that’s my favorite thing to do – float in my big inflated inner tube – just drifting around there on the ocean!!!”
The message of the song in these last two verses is the grace of God…… It is not what we achieve, accomplish or build, but that he reveals to us, no matter what we ‘take a notion’ to choose….that HE HAS CHOSEN US!
I remembered once getting lost on a run in a forest in Holland, and saying “Father, I’m lost, I don’t know where I am! ” He replied. “No son, you are not lost….. I know exactly where you are!”
The name of the documentary was a line from Linda’s journal.
“God, You Know Where I Am.”
In the minds of the film makers this may have seemed a catchy title, but in Linda’s perplexed mind it revealed to me that in her brokenness she had discovered the only thing that any of us ever need to discover in this life
Whether your name is Linda or Hilary or………..
YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND.